Domme: Leader or Follower?

Domme: Leader or Follower?
Originally posted to Adult BackWash.com: Friday January 24, 2003  

There is one complication with FemDoms and their male submissives that doesn’t get talked about very often. It’s the whole idea of who is serving who.

Does the Domme (FemDom sounds like some robot to me) really dress that way because she chooses to or is it part of the performance for the male submissive? Those spiked heels that she has to be careful walking in, who are they really for? All that make up, sticky leather and black colours… who is the tormented and who is the tormentor?

It creeps into the play itself. If a couple practices BDSM does the Domme have to be on call for the submissive, or can she choose to take a night off? If she isn’t in the mood does he respect that because she is the Domme or does he expect her to cater to his wishes? What does she do in the end? Does she please herself or is it all a performance for him?

If you are a Domme evaluate your own relationships with submissives. How often are you catering to him? How often does he really serve you in a way that you want to be served? Does all that toe licking really serve you or would he be of more use cleaning your floors? Do you really want to sit around having your boots licked or would you rather be out somewhere, letting him stay home and watch TV, locked up in his cage, awaiting you. Do you really like spanking or would you rather have him pleasing you, sucking your breasts, kissing your back, sitting naked at your feet, acting as your table while you read or brushing your hair all those one hundred strokes you don’t have the patience to do.

It’s also interesting to look at punishments and discipline. Do you discipline him because he earned it or because he begged for it? Does the punishment fit the offense or is it just a gimmick, playing along with his desires? Has he ever really been punished, something he genuinely does not like or want to do? Are your punishments a game or a threat?

Not that having a male submissive should be a one way street. The male submissive’s needs to have met, to some extent. But, the point of being Domme is that you are the one in charge. Are you? Or is he?

I like romance, bondage and men in submission. Writing adult fiction and non-fiction online. Currently writing for Sex Kitten. I wrote a weekly column, Bait and Switch on Adult BackWash too.

2 thoughts on “Domme: Leader or Follower?

  1. Great topic! I am not a Dom. I have a female led marriage. There are times when I need a break. I just want to relax and I don't want to make decisions or tell him what to do. Last weekend, he did something that disappointed me. When I brought it to his attention, he got mad at himself. He then was at my feet feeling bad about his lack of action. He reacted just the way I thought he might and that made me more annoyed with him. There are times when being in charge is more work than I want to do. I have had to learn to speak up and take the breaks without feeling like I am letting him down.

  2. I think many subs face a similar quandary. The sub wants to submit to a woman and has fantasized extensively about that might involve. He meets someone, they discuss their interests and fantasies. She then leads a scene partially based on his fantasies. In the back of his mind he is asking: Am I really submitting? Is she really dominant? The sub can end up feeling some of the same dissatisfaction that results from a scene with a pro-domme where he has basically constructed the scenario and she has carried it out.
    This feeling can lead the sub to want to do things that are obviously useful or pleasurable to the woman but not too him. “Washing your floor”, domestic service generally, errands, tribute, personal service for her pleasure all fall into this category. But he wants to do this type of thing so that the dominance/submission is genuine yet in doing so it becomes part of his fantasy creating the possibility that the dilemma has recreated itself. mike

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