How Did you Decide You’re a Dom?

I wrote the following in a reply to someone on Redditt:

I began exploring BDSM without having a role as sub, switch or Dom. I took time to see how I felt and how I felt about other people who had those roles and what that made of them. I really like to do things my own way, not often the traditional, expected path. I don’t like being expected to follow rules unless they actually do make sense to me.

When I did pick a place, or get told I needed to label myself, I said I was a switch. At the time I did feel that was where I belonged. I even wrote about it, as a BDSM role and not being something that was just middle of the road to leave my options open. I still feel that I can switch, as the situation and my feelings evolve and depending on who I’m with. But, I seldom find a man who makes me feel that other submissive way. It’s easier to stick to Dom and keeps things simpler. Plus, it feels good, right for me.

I was a submissive with my ex-husband but it was always awkward. He wanted to be the Dom and I let him. He didn’t have that masterful way but he wanted to.

On the other hand, when I play submissive online I get asked to change and become Dom with men who call themselves Dom. So, I think there is something about me that feels natural in that role, beyond liking to do things my own way.

Someone wrote that often people who are commanding, in charge and such in their lives are often submissive when it comes to D/s and the opposite for people who are giving and shy – they tend to fall into Dom roles. I’ve found that to be true quite often, not 100% of course.

Pick Your Adventure, Domme Style

My boyfriend has recently told me he’s always wanted a femdom. I keen on doing this for him, but I’m not sure how to go about it. What kind of dirty talk do femdoms use, and would I get him to do anything I want him to do and not things he would want to do for me?

Fake, or not? This is one of those borderline comments. Even if it is comment spam, the question is at least relevant.

First, FemDoms may use a book of instructions but there is no guarantee we will follow them.

That’s the difference between being a FemDom (I prefer Domme) or a paid sex worker. Your rules – your way, mostly. Of course, you don’t set fire to him or anything extreme you may do in a fit of anger and regret later. You also take his wishes into account.

Dirty talk is a fetish. Do you like it? If so, try it out in reality and see if both of you like it. Maybe it sounded, or looked, good in pornography but doesn’t work out so well in actuality. I don’t really like dirty talk. I’d have more fun coming up with punishments for a dirty talker than being a dirty talker. But, I would not encourage dirty talk just for the sake of getting “punishment”.

When I think punishment, it is not in quotation marks. It’s real, it’s not all that pleasant or enjoyable. Punishment does not have to be something awful, painful or extreme. The best punishments are something he doesn’t like, would rather avoid but isn’t allergic to. This is where you need to know your boy, his likes and dislikes. What makes him squirm, twitch or need to be rushed to the hospital?

Secondly, what doesn’t he want to do for you?

Why doesn’t he want to do it? Does he have a good, valid and acceptable reason? Pour yourself a nice glass of wine (or coffee in my case as I don’t care for wine that much). Leave your boy to write out a list of reasons why he won’t do what you want him to do. Ask for at least 50 reasons, or however long it takes for you to enjoy that glass of wine without having to share any.

On the other hand, what do you want him to do?

Have a list of your own, prepare ahead.

  • Learn how to give a manicure and pedicure and then pamper you once he has mastered the skills and bought the right colours of nail polish?
  • Clean kitchen, garage, bathroom and muck out the inside of the oven until it sparkles to your satisfaction?
  • Make dinner (from your menu choices), clean up and then become your chauffeur for a night out with the girls?
  • Be your silent, unmoving, foot stool while you watch the TV shows he usually whines about having to watch with you?
  • Polish and wax your car and perform minor repairs, oil changes, etc?

The list is as endless as you want it to be. If he doesn’t want to do something he needs to give good reasons for it. He isn’t running the show – that’s the point of Dom versus sub. Pleasing him isn’t going to work unless you (the Domme) are pleased as well.

So you need to know what pleases you. It may have nothing to do with sex, fetishes or being kinky. Or, cater his kinky desires to your own needs, wants and desires. If he wants to perform domestic service – give him an apron. If he wants to be humiliated – shine a spotlight on him and you don’t even need to say a word. If he wants to sniff your feet – give him your shoes and boots to clean and polish first (no spit shine!).

Do you want to see him squirm? Do you want to tease him? Then play with him but in your own way. What would be fun for you? Make it last. Torment him. Tease him and keep him guessing. Make sure it doesn’t get monotonous for you though. Toss in a few surprises along the way. Or just end things when you’ve had enough. Choose how things end for him and yourself. Do you want an orgasm? Should he be allowed to have a “happy ending”? You, the Domme, decides.

Things Sexually Unadventurous People Should Try

Good luck finding someone sexually unadventurous to try most, if any, of these. No one should be pushing someone into a sexual adventure they don’t want or aren’t ready for.

  • Analingus
  • Vibrators
  • Role play
  • Spanking
  • Positive dirty talk
  • Blindfolds and handcuffs
  • Switching up the location

via – Eating Ass And 6 Other Things Sexually Unadventurous People Should Try In Bed | Thought Catalog.

However, some adventures may be more appealing than others. I’m thinking of quiet adventures, not so much drama and soft lighting.

Of course, don’t start something as if you’re already an expert at it (even if you have done it with someone else, or seen it done). Whether it’s massage, bondage, spanking, or even just plain sex… take time to find out what each of you actually likes. Learn the simple things rather than trying to dive in as if you know what you’re doing and who you are doing it with.

  • Bondage, but don’t actually tie any knots. Just let them hold their own hands together.
  • Teasing and denial. Talk about what you’d like to do, but don’t do anything.
  • Age play with dressing him or her in just regular clothes as if you were dressing a kid.
  • Massage but the one who wants the massage should give the massage first.
  • Tantric sex, but start slow. Sit nude facing away from each other, back touching back. Relax, do nothing.
  • Role play, but just talk about it and look at costumes you might wear when you take the next step.
  • Domination and submission but, speaking only, no touching and no toys/ tools/ accessories.
  • Exhibitionists, go outside, somewhere private. Start with kissing and touching, maybe just sitting close and cuddling.
  • Spanking, but keep it light. Start with patting and see if either of you likes it enough to do more.

I think this is a sensible list for the unadventurous to actually consider. This gives people a chance to find out if they may be adventurous after all.