All the Abandoned, Forgotten Pornography

How many scantily clad women have been abandoned this way? I found this photo via Flickr (the urban exploration group I moderate). Here are these women, posing in bikinis for their photo to appear on the cover of a publication. Is it something relevant to women in bikinis? Not so likely. But there it is… thrown out, discarded and forgotten about. Does it make you feel at least a bit sad?

Urban (and rural) explorers find old pornography magazines at abandoned houses (and not just houses). Most of it is deteriorated due to weathering, animals, time, etc. I don’t know if anyone saves any of it. Not so likely.
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Photo from Flickr: Julien Lefebvre

Pick Your Adventure, Domme Style

My boyfriend has recently told me he’s always wanted a femdom. I keen on doing this for him, but I’m not sure how to go about it. What kind of dirty talk do femdoms use, and would I get him to do anything I want him to do and not things he would want to do for me?

Fake, or not? This is one of those borderline comments. Even if it is comment spam, the question is at least relevant.

First, FemDoms may use a book of instructions but there is no guarantee we will follow them.

That’s the difference between being a FemDom (I prefer Domme) or a paid sex worker. Your rules – your way, mostly. Of course, you don’t set fire to him or anything extreme you may do in a fit of anger and regret later. You also take his wishes into account.

Dirty talk is a fetish. Do you like it? If so, try it out in reality and see if both of you like it. Maybe it sounded, or looked, good in pornography but doesn’t work out so well in actuality. I don’t really like dirty talk. I’d have more fun coming up with punishments for a dirty talker than being a dirty talker. But, I would not encourage dirty talk just for the sake of getting “punishment”.

When I think punishment, it is not in quotation marks. It’s real, it’s not all that pleasant or enjoyable. Punishment does not have to be something awful, painful or extreme. The best punishments are something he doesn’t like, would rather avoid but isn’t allergic to. This is where you need to know your boy, his likes and dislikes. What makes him squirm, twitch or need to be rushed to the hospital?

Secondly, what doesn’t he want to do for you?

Why doesn’t he want to do it? Does he have a good, valid and acceptable reason? Pour yourself a nice glass of wine (or coffee in my case as I don’t care for wine that much). Leave your boy to write out a list of reasons why he won’t do what you want him to do. Ask for at least 50 reasons, or however long it takes for you to enjoy that glass of wine without having to share any.

On the other hand, what do you want him to do?

Have a list of your own, prepare ahead.

  • Learn how to give a manicure and pedicure and then pamper you once he has mastered the skills and bought the right colours of nail polish?
  • Clean kitchen, garage, bathroom and muck out the inside of the oven until it sparkles to your satisfaction?
  • Make dinner (from your menu choices), clean up and then become your chauffeur for a night out with the girls?
  • Be your silent, unmoving, foot stool while you watch the TV shows he usually whines about having to watch with you?
  • Polish and wax your car and perform minor repairs, oil changes, etc?

The list is as endless as you want it to be. If he doesn’t want to do something he needs to give good reasons for it. He isn’t running the show – that’s the point of Dom versus sub. Pleasing him isn’t going to work unless you (the Domme) are pleased as well.

So you need to know what pleases you. It may have nothing to do with sex, fetishes or being kinky. Or, cater his kinky desires to your own needs, wants and desires. If he wants to perform domestic service – give him an apron. If he wants to be humiliated – shine a spotlight on him and you don’t even need to say a word. If he wants to sniff your feet – give him your shoes and boots to clean and polish first (no spit shine!).

Do you want to see him squirm? Do you want to tease him? Then play with him but in your own way. What would be fun for you? Make it last. Torment him. Tease him and keep him guessing. Make sure it doesn’t get monotonous for you though. Toss in a few surprises along the way. Or just end things when you’ve had enough. Choose how things end for him and yourself. Do you want an orgasm? Should he be allowed to have a “happy ending”? You, the Domme, decides.

Beginners Guide for Becoming a Male Submissive

The BDSM experience is different for men and women, in several ways. Women are more careful about meeting men. Women may be looking for romance and affection, a relationship while men really just want sex. Women tend to get pushed into things they really don’t want to do, in order to keep the peace.

I often read people (men) claiming women into Domming are rare. In my experience this is not true. I encounter many women who would enjoy Domming men, if they could find one who meets their needs.

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Being a male submissive may not be what you think it is at all

There are very few men who understand what a Dom woman is looking for, what she actually wants. She does not want to be the Dom you see in pornography. If you are looking for a woman to fulfill all your porno fantasies of what male submission should be… pay for it. Professional sex workers will dress the part and read from whatever script you want, do it your way (as long as safety is considered) and give you what you want as you expect to have it.

Real women who Dom, just because they want to, will want to do things their own way. Real women Doms have their own fantasies, their own desires and plans for play, teasing, romance, seduction, torment and all their own fetishes and kinks. They will want you to please them and that may not include any of the fetishes and kinks you have been fantasizing about.

A real woman may not want a man slobbering on her shoes or expecting to wear her underwear, for instance.  Some women may like the idea of training men to submit while others think they should already be house broken.

Worship and begging may not appeal to her. For myself, both of these are a turn off. The real appeal of having a male submissive is that he be a man, strong, clever, manly and yet my submissive. Retain your dignity and be a male submissive worth having and keeping.

Before you Begin…

Decide if you actually want the reality.

Do you want a woman telling you what to do? Are you willing to be disappointed when she isn’t interested in doing what you want, the way you want it? Will you let her lead or will you try to pressure her into giving you what you want instead?

Do not manipulate your Dom. Yes, it is fun to have the erotic play of teasing, denial, struggling and so on… but it should be sincerely part of the fun and not “topping from the bottom”. Two people sincerely invested in D/s can have a lot of fun, pleasure and explorations. If you top from the bottom (manipulate your Dom) you cheat yourself from ever having the real experience of submitting, serving and discovering the pleasure of being a male submissive in reality.

Also, no Dom woman likes to be manipulated. We get this from almost every so-called male sub on dating sites and etc. It is very discouraging. If you wonder why there are so few women into Domming – this would be the number one reason.

If you can’t let go of your expectations then consider paying for what you want and getting it from a McDomme (paid to do it your way).

What are you really willing to do?

Too many men have a list of fetish and kink ideas but no thoughts about the reality. This is especially a bad idea when it comes to health and safety. There are several things which will sound good on paper or turn you on when you watch a video… but reality is not like that. Reality is messier, reality is less planned and professional, less perfect and reality has accidents and misunderstandings.

Never say you are willing to do anything/ everything. Because you aren’t. No one is – unless it’s make believe and pretend.

Read about the reality of your fetishes and kinks. Instead of watching the porn find someone who really has done it and read about their experience. What went wrong, what didn’t work and how did they learn to do it better or another way. Research the reality. Even if you have no experience you can read the experience of others (just not the porn version).

Consider safety and be practical about it

If you have issues such as allergies, a phobia, dislikes put together a list of these issues. Personally, I don’t like having something close around my neck or mouth because I grew up with asthma. I’m also allergic to animals which limits the places and people I can spend time with to some extent. These are things to be aware of, for yourself and the woman Dom you would like to meet.

Although safety and health are more up to the Dom in a D/s relationship you can’t expect her to know your needs, read your mind or use telepathy to know there is a problem.

Safe words are not that reliable. If there is a real problem, something sudden, you need communication which won’t be forgotten in the moment or confused with something else.  A direct safe word, like stop, is better than trying for some secret code you may not remember when you need it. If you use the safe word for effect rather than actually needing it the play stops anyway. Respect the safe word – it’s not a game.

Communicate and talk about anything you plan to do. Start simple and leave yourself room to back out or change the plan. you may think you want to start with the hard stuff but discover your feelings were far more involved when it was actually happening. It is possible to discover you  have a phobia or intense dislike you didn’t know you had until you tried something. This can be especially true with bondage. Actually being confined is not just as you imagine it to be. Explore and experiment with baby steps and savour the experiences as you go.

Submission is not a gift

Years ago the idea that submission is a gift started in the online BDSM groups. This is not the right attitude. Domination is just as much a gift, if you want to consider either of them a gift at all.

You have chosen to submit and your Dom has chosen to lead you, to control you and to own you (up to a point). She is not likely to want to micro-manage you. Being the Dom is a responsibility. It’s not easy and it is not something to take lightly. People can get hurt physically, mentally and emotionally. Both of you need to communicate to prevent problems. The gift is the relationship itself, when you can find it.

Explore and discover

  • Try blindfolding yourself in your own bed. How does it feel? Does the blindfold itch? Do you feel peaceful?
  • Sit on your hands next time you’re alone watching TV. How long can you keep yourself in this self-bondage? How uncomfortable is it?
  • Sit under a table, let it become your cage. Does the confinement bother you? Do you feel snugly caged or just trapped?
  • Try being naked when you are home alone. With the blinds or curtains closed stand naked in front of the window. Even knowing no one can see you do you get a thrill or can you not even do it at all?
  • Buy a dog collar for yourself. No one has to know you don’t have a dog (or your dog won’t be wearing this one). Wear the collar but wrap it around your wrist the first day (not your neck).
  • Even before you have a Dom you can practice serving her tea. Dress up (she doesn’t want pubic hair in her tea cup), make a plate up with pretty treats and serve tea in a teapot with a fancy teacup and saucer for her.

The reality is much different from the fantasy. Reality isn’t the porn version because it’s not scripted and the people are not actors. However, you can actually be one of the people involved rather than watching and wishing from the sidelines. Just make sure you want the reality, imperfect but not impersonal.