Looking for a Virgin…?

Found on Craigslist:

Are you shy / inexperienced / have low self-esteem? – 27

Looking for a girl that is shy, inexperienced, and has low self-esteem.
I will help you build your confidence, and get experience, one step at a time.
We’ll take it step-by-step, at the pace that makes YOU feel comfortable.

At first, we’ll just work on making you feel comfortable around a guy (me), and in public. Then once you are ready, we’ll move onto building sexual experience. I’ll let you explore my body, I’ll let you ask me questions, and I’ll let you play with me. At first you can stay dressed, and you can see me naked. Then once you’ll be fine with it, I’ll undress you slowly, so that you will get comfortable with the idea of a guy undressing you. You will probably shake and tremble at first, but then you’ll slowly get to love the feeling! I’ll kiss your body all over, so that your tensions will ease, and you will start feeling warm and aroused inside. And we will go as far as you are prepared to go!

I’ll show you how valuable you really are!
In the end you will be totally confident about yourself, and will have gained enough experience so that you will not be afraid of guys, and what people will think or say about you!

I am looking for one girl only, so please do describe yourself in your response, so that I could pick the one who will benefit the most!!!

If you include a picture, that’s even better. However, since you are shy, and you have low self-esteem, you will probably not be comfortable with including your picture.

About me: I’m 27, white, handsome, athletic, understanding, passionate, educated, funny, independent, and intelligent. I’m clean, I maintain a good hygene, I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and I don’t do drugs.

You will NOT be disappointed! Making you feel comfortable, and helping you learn appreciate yourself is my goal!

Likely not a good idea to reply to this ad. I lost my virginity with a guy I new a long time and later married. I know that sounds old fashioned, maybe too old fashioned and spinsterly. But, it was a special event in my life, and it is still one of my best memories from the time I had with my exhusband. A girl shouldn’t give that away to someone who just wants to hunt cherries. What happens to her once he has popped it? Maybe he just cut and pastes the same ad back on Craigslist and waits for a fish to bite.

Quizilla: Sexual Appeal

What is your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla

I’ve been reviewing sites for Dmoz today and came across this quiz. I’m a sucker for feedback, of almost any kind.

Why don’t men give more feedback after sex, before too really. My ex would ask what I liked sometimes. But, he would pick a time during sex, when I was not ready to answer anything like that. After, the next day, while driving in the car to visit his Mother. That would have been a much better time for me to come up with an answer. Not when I’m naked and feeling vulnerable. I usually came up with something and yet the mood was shot for me at that point.

Can you talk about sex, during sex? Or do you prefer to be clothed and self composed when discussing how you like it?

Writing Humour into Erotica

Writing Erotic Humor
By T. Myer

So what does it take to be a successful writer of erotic humor? The same kind of stuff that makes for a successful erotica writer, even the same stuff that makes for a successful writer, period:

Complete and total mastery of the English language.

Humor writing is very difficult. It’s much harder than non-humor (a catch-all category that covers everything from the quotidian to the tragic). Anyone out there can make someone cry at the tale of star-crossed lovers from different sides of a family feud. Anyone can make someone cringe at the brutality of war on the front lines.

But can you take those same subjects and make people laugh? Can you take the drudgery of everyday life and make it funny? Can you make sex funny? If you can, then you have a gift, one that should be cherished. At all times, but especially bad times, we want to laugh. Laughter cleanses and heals, makes us forget.

Let’s circle back around to the mastery of language bit. Without total mastery of the language, then you won’t be funny in print. Why? Well, you don’t have voice inflections to help you (think George Carlin and W.C. Fields). You won’t have facial expressions (Jim Carrey) or pratfalls (Chevy Chase) to bring off the effect. Just your words, sitting there on the page.

So what makes for funny stuff? Let me count the ways:

Unexpected turns. Dorothy Parker was queen of misdirection. Her aphorisms and sentences start off in one direction, and before you know it, she’s faked you out and gone in another. Psycholinguists call this trick “surprising Broca” because that’s what you’re doing: fooling that part of the brain (Broca’s area) that analyzes language. Here’s an example:

It’s a small apartment, I’ve barely enough room to lay my hat and a few friends.

Brevity is the soul of lingerie.

Rich details. The more details, the funnier it gets. Here I’ll turn to Joseph Heller, whose Catch-22 is a masterpiece of comedic action:

The day before Yossarian met the chaplain, a stove exploded in the mess hall and set fire to one side of the kitchen. An intense heat flashed through the area. Even in Yossarian’s ward, almost three hundred feet away, they could hear the roar of the blaze and the sharp cracks of flaming timber. Smoke sped past the orange-tinted windows. In about fifteen minutes the crash trucks from the airfield arrived to fight the fire. For a frantic half hour it was touch and go. Then the firemen began to get the upper hand. Suddenly there was the monotonous old drone of bombers returning from a mission, and the firemen had to roll up their hoses and speed back to the field in case one of the planes crashed and caught fire. The planes landed safely. As soon as the last one was down, the firemen wheeled their trucks around and raced back up the hill to resume their fight with the fire at the hospital. When they got there, the blaze was out. It had died of its own accord, expired completely without even an ember to be watered down, and there was nothing for the disappointed firemen to do but drink tepid coffee and hang around trying to screw the nurses.

So what’s the difference between the fine detail in this account (“orange-tinted windows”, “tepid coffee”, “three hundred feet away”, “sharp cracks of falling timber”) and the detail in the miserably failed attempt at a joke by Uncle Miltie at the Labor Day family barbecue?

Because Heller’s technique is solid. Notice how the long passage is actually a series of comedic sketches, each with a beginning, middle, and end. Each sketch rolls into the next: First we hear of the fire, and then along come the firemen, excited to have some action. They struggle with the fire, and just as they are about to win, the bombers return from their mission. Heller’s use of the word “monotonous” to describe the drone underpins the monotony of the firemen’s lives on the island of Pianosa–they must adhere to their routine of escorting bombers down the runway. As soon as that last bomber lands, though, they are racing back up the hill, all excited to fight a fire. By this time (and here’s the punchline) however, the fire has died of its own accord, seemingly of boredom. So the firemen go back to their boring lives of drinking tepid coffee and trying to score on the nurses.

Okay, what else besides structure makes something funny? The twin tools of comedy writing are exaggeration and understatement. Mark Twain is the master of exaggeration, and Life on the Mississippi is full of it:

In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Lower Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. That is an average of a trifle over one mile and a third per year. Therefore, any calm person, who is not blind or idiotic, can see that in the old Colitic Silurian Period, just a million years ago next November, the Lower Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long, and stuck out over the Gulf of Mexico like a fishing rod.

At the other extreme is understatement (and its cousin, omission), and you can’t beat the British at this game. Particularly, P. G. Wodehouse hardly ever raises his voice no matter how crazy Bertie Wooster’s misadventures get:

I sat up in bed with that rather unpleasant feeling you get sometimes that you’re going to die in about five minutes.

You live and die by punchlines. Notice how in that passage by Heller there’s not only a general punchline (the fire dies of its own accord) but a punchline within the punchline, which contrasts the excitement of firefighting with the humdrum nature of their off-duty time.

There are a couple of effective ways to execute on punchlines. One is to offer up a capstone or summary to what has come before. Jerome K. Jerome is a master at this sort of effect. In his Three Men in a Boat, the characters manage to get themselves hopelessly lost in a maze. At the end of the episode, they do get out, and the narrator remarks:

Harris said he thought it was a very fine maze, so far as he was a judge, and we agreed that we would try to get George to go into it, on our way back.

Another great way to deliver a punchline is via the old trick of misdirection. Again, here’s Joseph Heller:

The Texan turned out to be good-natured, generous and likable. In three days no one could stand him.

And of course, there’s the Bard (here from Much Ado About Nothing):

BENEDICK: I will live in thy heart, die in thy lap, and be buried in thy eyes, and moreover, I will go with thee to thy uncle’s.

Once you deliver the coup-de-grace, get out! Have enough sense to go out on top.

Okay, so now you’ve got some idea of what it takes to bring the funny when you sit down and write. Now you have to ask yourself this question:

Why do I want to be funny?

And:

How far will I push it?

The first questions is fairly complex, but it needs an answer. Are you being funny just to entertain, in a harmless Neil-Simon-script-starring-Jack-Lemmon way? Are you making a statement about society, a la Joseph Heller or Jonathan Swift? Are you making fun of an existing work or genre (think National Lampoon)? Or do you just want to be zany and unpredictable (Weird Al Yankovic, Jim Carrey)?

How far to push your humor is up to you and up to the editors (and readers!) of the places where you want to sell. Some publications are more conservative, some more subversive. There’s no sense in sending light humor full of literary puns to a magazine that wants raunchy, over-the-top slapstick.

Now then, comes the final question: can you be funny and erotic at the same time? Quite frankly, I don’t think there’s anything funnier than a naked adult. Even the well-built members of the species are funny–stretch marks, tattoos, interesting birthmarks, pimples on butts, inappropriate flatulance. Even more so, people’s behavior is very funny. Particularly, the things they think or say when overcome with lust–I’ve always thought that they’d be more effective if they weren’t played straight.

Erotica is too serious, in my opinion. It could use a good dose of humor (whether sprinkled with it or served up plain old funny), in my opinion. Nothing like laughter to put all of this complex sexuality stuff into proper perspective.